The Ugly Truth

Well, old faithful has lost it's elasticity and now rides up in places that aren't comfortable and, more importantly, unattractive. I'm talking my 2007 swimsuit here, ladies. The suit I looked the best in (keyword: best) and provided me with (unwarranted) confidence over the last two years has finally given in to the strain. Now, I can handle uncomfortable in the name of beauty and style. We all do it when we stick our size 9s into the 8 1/2 stilettos we HAVE to have or throw ourselves down onto the bed just to zip up the latest style of jeans...you know the ones...they have the huge pockets on the rear that only compliment a size 0 ass. But old faithful has turned ugly on me, and there's no getting it back - even with safety pins (yes, I went there!).

I KNOW I'm not the only one out there who completely dreads looking for a new bathing suit.

The panic, the marked decrease in confidence and the palpable irritation that goes along with it isn't exactly a day at the spa. For two years I avoided swimsuit hell, but this was the year that I had no other choice but to get drunk and go.

We'll start with the selection. Racks and racks of teeny tiny bikinis laden with the funkiest prints I've ever seen and with string ties in places that honestly destroy all remnants of modesty. I just knew I was going to hyperventilate. Flashes of me in an old t-shirt and a pair of my husbands boxers at the ocean racing through my head! I was scared out of my wits here. If "they" think there is any possible way to fit this 40 year old-three babies later-50 pounds heavier body into one of those, then "they" all need to ante up for therapy. This was going to be U-G-L-Y!!

I searched and searched just hoping for a bathing suit miracle. There MUST be (HAS to be) a suit here somewhere that sucks in all the extra flab and loose skin and makes you look 80 pounds thinner. It will also somehow erase all the wrinkles too! That's right, I'm looking for a miracle!!! Hours and hours and at least seven stores later, I finally find a tankini that might fit the bill. It's black with a bit of design around the bust area and it's not old-ladyish. Phew! I'm not the kind of gal to try on a swimsuit in the dressing room. I know my limitations. I've been known to draw an entire audience to the dressing room with my moans of disgust and colorful language. So, I purchase said miracle suit and take it home. Hey, at least I don't look like the Michelin man!